Feeling like a failure

Feeling like a failure
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It is hard being a parent. Let alone being a parent of a child with disabilities. It is really hard, really really hard. Especially when the child also has behavioral disorders. It puts you in a bind, a bind with child care, family functions, friends, no friends, schools.

Daycares are not equipped to handle the autistic child let alone a child who also has some sensory disorder things and behavioral disorders. They will not be able to deal with some of his outbursts and sometimes aggressive tendencies when noises are a factor. He is generally a happy healthy fun kid. Oh yes, he sure is. All 9 years of him.

But, I feel like the fact he is autistic has prevented him from experiencing many things. Like family stuff. I feel like family just avoids us now, as his behavioral disorder came more to the front it seems like they all fled. The village doesn’t exist for my family. And for many families like mine. Maybe they are afraid he will hurt them, break something, I don’t know. All I know is my kids are not getting the same treatment as others. And yes, I am jealous as hell. Envious.

I had to put him into homeschool because of the behavioral and the fact the school did not have the resources to truly help him excel at school. So,in 2020 I decided he would not go back. I got tired of never getting the truth about his behaviors. Always being told he was such a good kid no problems. And then in an IEP the teacher basically said my kid was an uncontrollable gremlin. She didn’t say gremlin, but she was implying the attacks and his behavior.

What could I do? What could my spouse and I do except pull him from school and homeschool.

It is hard to be a parent, but it is even harder to be a parent of a child who can not speak, who can not say what is wrong, who wants to try but has trouble, a child who deserves to have friends and family. It is hard to be a parent and not feel like some how you are failing them in some way. I feel like I am failing him.

It is so damn hard. And so damned isolating. Yes, there are groups for parents like me. But when I thought I was making friends in the community. I wasn’t. I’m too weird even for them. My kid is too much even for them. I want to scream and cry. I wish they could see what I see in him.

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