A few weeks ago, I was told I look like a clown. I was told that they needed someone stable. That I was embarrassing to them. And in the next breath after each emotional hit was told I worship you. You are amazing. Blah blah blah. That is not healthy. That is not how relationships are supposed to be. That after 20 years of this has built up a resentment and has chipped away at my self worth so much that I believed it all to be true.
And then I realized something, after meeting with my new therapist, that I am not responsible for their feelings, his feelings, his opinion of me. Is he speaking truth or is he talking out his ass. He is talking out his ass. And my therapist is going to help me get through this broken down statue that I am and polish me back up.
I matter damnit. You matter! And after going to therapy reading my old journal entries I realized a few things. Nothing changes,ever. We go through periods where I am treated well and not put down or insulted. I am usually insulted on my appearance and mental state or intelligence. As well as personal attacks. And nothing in 20 years has changed. It sucks. I feel nothing and am numb. I started to feel like I deserve to be talked to like that, because it even before my relationship was like that. Growing up was like that. Full of gas lighting full of neglect, it wasn’t good. And I now over compensate for it all with my kids.
But, I am not going to let it get to me, even though it does. Fuck does it ever. I am going to acknowledge that I am NOT responsible for his opinions of me. I am responsible for my own.
All of this sparked because of a damn Selkie dress that he doesn’t like. Because it isn’t how HE wants me to dress. I wear wigs for my trichotillomania not because I am trying to be someone I am not like he says I do. He knows I have mental disorders. I am bipolar 1, dyslexic, autistic(Asperger),adhd, stressed but always well dressed.
Remember you are not responsible for their opinions. Because they are not facts. They are just opinions. You matter. Share your story.