So, I have been feeling some sort of a way for a while now. A way of not feeling as though I belong. I don’t fit in with the mom groups. I don’t fit in with the autism mom groups. I feel as though I do not belong with the groups of people who are also autistic or have other disabilities. I have been gate keepered on that. I feel like I don’t fit in or belong with blogger groups and I feel like I don’t belong with the witch groups. For whatever reason, the last one I haven’t really tried to as much because I have been practicing for years but never ventured out of my magical bubble. I keep to myself so as not to go against any gate keepers. I have been pushed out slowly by so many that I have given up trying to really be a part of many.
I feel like I have never belonged. Anywhere. From family to school growing up never. I have not belonged in my adult life either. Always on the outside looking in and when I did try to engage I was met with passive aggressive hostility. So, I backed off from all of the above. Destined to be on the outside. I tell you it is lonely. Making friends is hard when you are really shit at it. Being around people who do not believe you have these things is hard. Making friends is hard when you have to mask everything. Mask the fact you are bipolar, have autism, have adhd, have sensory issues yourself, severe anxiety and depression, and are a walking talking ball of stress. You have nothing really of note to talk about unless those around you want to know the history of Rome or Egypt. Or some interesting facts about Aztecs and or history of fashion.
While people are talking about their trips they are taking, I am thinking about how I need to get my sons from appointment A to Appointment B and still find time to do homeschool and other things. While maintaining the home and remember to eat or feed the kids lunches. And then on the weekend catching up on house work all on my own while my husband sits on his butt. He will ask if I need help, when I am basically done with everything. THAT IS NOT HELPING US MEN! LISTEN UP IT DOES NOT HELP. PICK UP A BROOM AND SWEEP THE DAMN FLOOR. That helps.
Still I don’t feel I belong. I am not everyone’s cup of tea sure, but I would think I would be some peoples cup of coffee at least. And it seems I am really not that either.
I think I honestly scare people away, when the mask falls off and I become the real me. The info dumper, looney tune, wackadoo. If it wasn’t for social media I would just be sitting at home with nothing but my kids and my husband who works from home. No connection, not that I have anyone to connect with anyways. I have this blog and that is great and I love it, but I feel like don’t belong. Anywhere.