So, I have been having a bit of an identity crisis. I don’t know how else to put it other than imposter syndrome. Major imposter syndrome. What the heck is making me think this lately? Well, lets chat about that.
I have always felt like I never belonged. I always felt like an outsider of sorts.I feel like I was only invited places because of pity. And the moment someone would be able to not invite me places, they wouldn’t and I would be left out. My best friend growing up would often hide from me when she invited me to her house. I felt like I didn’t belong. I was not part of any kid groups,not really.Didn’t really belong there either. Was weird and “ugly”. Yeah looks. As a teen, I tried too hard to belong, even amongst what some would call the nerds. And often would be left out of everything. As an adult, same thing. I didn’t belong.
Even with family I feel like an outsider. I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I am not to appease those around me. Be the chameleon to blend in and not stand out because it would make me feel worse. As a blogger, there are cliques. And even after meeting fellow bloggers, I felt like an outsider. Because I was. I don’t think I fit into a specific blogger or style blog mold. I feel like I am faking it, to fit in and I am just being tolerated. I felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not stylish. Weird.
And those things are my personal feelings and may not be theirs at all. Doesnt’ help either when you have someone at home telling you that everyone is out to get you and those people are not “your friends” Those statements made me withdrawal from fellow creators. And with my already bad social anxiety, it made it worse.
You know, what has made me think of all this crap? The fact the my husband and children’s therapist are putting it all on me, to find groups with other families of autistic kids. I have social anxiety and have trouble making friends. It is horrible and with all my insecurities it makes me not want to do it. And more stress did I mention? I am scared that I wont fit in. Or that GASP, more MLM invites and stuff like that.
I am tired of feeling like I have no idea who I am. I am tired of feeling that I have to pretend to be someone else. Fashion wise, I am tired of trying to be that “it girl” it isn’t me. As much as I love seeing their fashion, I am more of a puffy selkie dress kind of girl. A prince core and also girly everything. And loungewear obsessed corset wearing weirdo. They are more supportive.
I am the one that “over dresses” everywhere. And that is just me, I stopped doing that because of mocking. I stopped doing that because of self consciousness. And that hurts the soul.
And also, as much as I love wearing the puffy dresses. I really love loungewear. That hasn’t changed since I was a kid. This is part of a 3 pack of tops and bottoms by SHEIN. It is super soft and there are other color sets.